It's "The Talk" no adult child wants to have. Here is how to approach it with love and respect.
Bringing up the subject of moving to an assisted living facility or downsizing can trigger defensiveness, anger, and fear. Your parents may feel they are losing their independence. The key is to shift the conversation from "giving up control" to "gaining freedom."
Don't wait for a fall or a hospital stay. Mention it casually in the context of someone else. "Did you hear that Aunt Martha moved to that new community? She says she loves not having to cook every night." Make it a topic of conversation, not an intervention.
When they resist, ask "What worries you the most?" Usually, it's one of three things: being forgotten, being bored, or losing their routine. Validate these feelings. "I know you love your garden. Let's find a place that has a community garden or patios."
Refrain from saying "You need help." Instead, frame it as "This house is limiting you." Explain that if they didn't have to worry about stairs, cleaning, or driving, they would have more energy and time to do the things they actually enjoy.
Loss of control is the core issue. Give it back to them. "I'm not forcing you to move. I just want us to look at options so that if you ever *decide* to move, you'll already know what you like." Agree to just tour a place for lunch with no commitment.
When you visit, don't act like the parent. Be an observer. Ask them, "What did you think of the food?" or "Did the people seem friendly?" Let them critique the places. If they hate it, agree with them. "Yeah, that place was too dark. Let's try another one next week."
Before you start the conversation, know the difference between Independent Living and Assisted Living, and know what safety questions to ask.